The search for soul-quenching work

I’m trying to figure out what my best options are for earning a living while, at the same, remaining sane and healthy. Currently, my job provides a good income and great benefits. My issue is that it’s not only a drain on my energy, but it’s also having a negative impact on both my physical and mental health.

So, I’m in a situation where I need to choose between providing the necessities of life for my continued existence on this planet versus taking care of my health. You know, so that I can stay out of the surgeon’s office and, maybe, live long enough to see what happens in my 60s, 70s, and 80s. I know I’m not the only person facing this issue. There are people from around the world who are facing a host of difficulties, from the not-so-extreme to the super-extreme, that are directly or indirectly impacting their ability to care for themselves financially, physically, and mentally. My issue clearly falls in the not-so-extreme category, but it's still an issue.

What do I do about it? Heck, what do those of us in this situation, do about it? How do we find jobs we can physically, intellectually, and mentally do that don’t also drain our life force? How do we find work that feeds our souls instead of destroying them? How do people over the age of 50 learn to compete in a world burgeoning with new tech and new AI advancements everyday?

These are just a few of the questions that plague me when I’m not worrying about the state of the world, and our current history-making trajectory that seems hell-bent on leading us into another World War, one I’m certain will be far worse than any that came before. Yes, it’s a bit “doomsday” inside my head. Not always, but a lot more with each passing day, it seems. But that's not the focus of today's word vomit session.

As I’ve already said, I’m fortunate in that I have a good, solid, stable sort of job that allows me to pay my bills and purchase medicines and other medical type services for much less than I would otherwise. The issue is that the job isn’t just challenging, it’s anxiety producing and anxiety provoking. In fact, I like challenges. You might even say that I enjoy them, thrive on them, and even seek them out. I love puzzles and trying to solve them. I like learning new things, new facts, new anything, almost. I’m seriously fascinated by puzzles and will continue to work on one until I solve it, even if it takes me years. Clearly, challenges are not my issue. My issue is the anxiety.

And yes, I’m bringing this back around to my mental makeup. I’m resilient. I’m a survivor. I’ve survived a lot of shit, and I’ve learned to adapt to almost every situation that’s been thrown at me. Being able to do it, however, doesn’t mean that it hasn’t had negative consequences. It doesn’t mean that it’s easy or sustainable… even if I make it look that way.

I’m doing well at my current job. Really well, in fact. So, from the outside looking in, one might question why I’m having such a huge issue. Well, just because I have the intellectual capability and the learned social skills to do the job doesn’t mean that it’s not taking a huge toll on my physical and mental wellbeing every moment of every day I’m working. It is. It’s taking a huge toll. In fact, I’m surprised I’ve lasted this long. I’ve impressed myself with my ability to subjugate my actual needs, as well as my body’s constant signals to pay attention. But is that something I should be proud of – ignoring my body’s and my soul’s needs to push myself to earn a living?

Hard to say. On the one hand, in the society I’ve been raised in, yes, it should make me proud because in that society’s way of thinking, work comes above everything else. People are defined by their work ethic. They’re defined by what they do and how they do it. They’re worth is measured not only by the type of work they do, but by their willingness to go above and beyond, to work themselves past breaking points, to work until they can afford to retire, even if it's in their late 60s or 70s. For some, the ability to retire doesn't come, at least not before they're unable to continue working or they die. Melodramatic? Sure, but it's also true.

I don’t want that life. Yes, I’d like to be respected, but I don’t think what I do, how I do it, or how long I do it should be the measure of that respect. I think respect should come from who we are as a person, as human living on this planet and sharing it with other lifeforms. Are we kind? Are we compassionate? Are we willing to help when called upon in whatever capacity we’re able to do so? Are we honest with others and with ourselves? Do we keep an open mind, so that we’re open to the possibility of learning new things, new ideas, new ways of being, even when they go against what we were raised to believe? Are we open to learning, growing, changing… to evolving? Are we living our lives in a way that doesn’t harm others or the planet? These are the things I think should define whether a person is respected.

And please don’t equate respect with worth. They’re different. Everyone is worthy because we’re all born worthy. Nothing outside of ourselves can change that truth. In our society, we’ve learned that this person is better than that person based on this or that, but it’s a lie; it’s not the truth. The truth, as I’ve said repeatedly, is that we are all worthy. Full stop. No conditions.

And now, bringing it back to my original question – how do I earn a living without harming myself both physically and mentally? I mean, earning a living isn’t going to do me much good if I don’t survive to enjoy it, now is it? I need to find work that feeds my soul, not work that drains it. I think the answer is somewhere in my centre, in my core. I believe we were born with all the answers we need to not only survive this life as long as possible, but also to learn, grow, and thrive. We just need to remember who we were before we were trained into believing we had inherent limitations, that we were somehow not good enough to do this or that.

I’ve been told many times, like seriously, a lot of times, that in addition to thinking too much, I also have a bad case of zero confidence coupled with a shit ton of ability I have zero faith in. I know I’m not the only one. There’s many of us, especially women, in this same situation. How do we get past it? How do we dig ourselves out of this no-confidence pit? How do we find faith in our own brilliance to stand up, to take chances, to pursue our dreams? I don’t know.

I don’t know, but I’m going to keep trying to find the answer because I’m not giving up. I’ve been felled by life a time or two (or twenty), and there were moments when I thought I wouldn’t be getting back up, that I’d hit the final wall, but somehow, some way, possibly through the guidance and support of some higher powers, I found my way back every time.

Am I worn out from all the falling? Why, yes. Yes. Yes, I am. I’m a wee bit tired to say the least. If it weren’t for my children, my family, and my friends, I may have punched the clock and said, “I’m out.” But I didn’t. I haven’t. And as far as I know, at this moment in time, anyway, I’m not going to. I’m determined to go as far as I can go in this lifetime because I sure as shit don’t want to repeat any of these gosh darn lessons in any future lifetimes I may still have to navigate. You know, in case that’s the way it works. It’s not like any of us really know what comes next.

Heck, here I am again, gone off this way and that, and I still haven’t answered or found the answer to my original question. How do I earn a living doing something that feeds my soul, that nurtures both my physical and mental well-being, and that somehow gives back to humanity and to the world, all at the same time?

I don’t know, but what I do know is that it can be done. I feel it. I believe it. Now, I just need to create it, to make it happen.

Wish me luck!