Balance, Teeter-totters, and Love

I’ve had well over a month to write this blog, but I’ve left it until the last possible moment.

Why? I’m not sure.

You may have thought I was going to have some fabulous insight but no, I don’t. I haven’t been feeling overly insightful lately. It’s not that anything is wrong; it’s just more like I’ve lost track of something. I’m not sure I can explain it well.

But I’ll try.

Balance is something I’ve been striving for almost my whole life, I think. I haven’t achieved it. Normally, I would say, ‘yet,’ but I’m beginning to think that balance is an illusory goal. Always, always, always, when I begin to get something going smoothly – let’s say my career – it means I’ve let something else slip – let’s say my health. I have never been able to get every facet of my life swinging in unison, not once.

This used to bother me, kind of like how “having” to take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications bothered me, but I’m realizing that it’s not a big deal. So, what if I’m never perfectly balanced on the teeter-totter of life? Who cares! I’m realizing the important thing is to not fall off and, under no circumstances, allow anyone else to have the power to “drop” me.

For those who’ve never been on a teeter-totter before, it’s quite painful when you’re sharing it with another person and you’re up in the air and they’re on the ground, and then they decide to step away or step off. That’s when you come crashing down. It hurts your ass, it hurts your head, sometimes you might even bite your lip, but the worst part… Realizing that someone you trusted has let you down and not just them, but you, you let yourself down because you knew they couldn’t be trusted and yet you gave them the power to hurt you.

Wow. I swear, I did not see that statement coming, but it’s true. Weird. I wonder if this has something to do with the ever-since-I-can-remember trust issues?! Ya, probably not. I haven’t even mentioned the times I was tricked into standing in the centre of the merry-go-round only to have several “friends” jump off and spin it till I fell off and hurt myself or until I puked. Or both.

Good God, how did I survive the playground?

(Please note that I don’t think my trust issues came from any one place and while antics on the playground probably added fuel to the simmering ashes of what little trust I had, I’m certain they didn’t start the fire.)

Back to the balancing.

I guess what I didn’t realize for the past 51 years – not until now – is that I was too busy trying to find someone to balance with me when what I really should have been doing was learning how to balance on my own. Not perfectly, no, but just enough to feel like I’m riding a wave rather than getting tossed about by a pack of sadistic but playful dolphins in the open ocean far from land. (Yes, I’m mixing metaphors and I'm okay with that.)

The thing I’ve needed to recognize is that the goal isn’t to be perfectly balanced, but rather, to have the adaptability to bob and weave when necessary, so that my teeter-totter stays relatively level and doesn’t take any sudden dips or, God forbid, nosedives. Of course, it’s important to remember that not everything is in our control. Sometimes life throws you a tsunami that you just didn’t see coming – at this point, you’re almost definitely going to fall off the teeter-totter and that’s okay. The important thing is to get back on, get yourself into a standing position, and then start finding your equilibrium, easing yourself toward balance. Feel the wave. And breathe.

Now, what was I talking about? Oh yes, I’ve waited until the last minute to write this blog and now I’m scrambling to write this – hopefully coherent – stream-of-consciousness entry about letting life get away from me. Again.

It’s okay. Really and truly.

I’m okay. Life is good. And no, I’m not just saying that.

I’m relatively healthy. You know, “ish.”

I have amazing adult children who I know are fabulously kind. They’re in safe, happy relationships and they’re following their dreams. I mean, what more could a mother ask for?

All my parents – I have five – are alive, and while they’re not running marathons, things could be worse. I mentioned they’re alive, right?

I have an amazing sister (Nicole) whose been there for me ever since my separation – and eventual divorce – more than ten years ago. I also have another sister (Cheryl) and a brother (Richard) who, while I don’t see them often, I will see soon. (In about a week and a half.) So, yay me, I have siblings – people who share my DNA and, in some cases, my sense of humour.

I love my apartment. I love my room. I love my cats. (Meara, Salem, and Lia) I even love my roommate. (He’s my platonic best friend, in case you were wondering. His name is James.) I have a great job that I enjoy doing. I can read whenever I want to read. I have some great friends who, like my siblings, I may not get to see often, but I know they’re there and I know I can reach out and that all will be well.

I’m finally at a place where I can look back – at the recent and the distant past – and know that I’m okay on my own. I don’t need a life partner. I’ve been fortunate because I’ve had the gift of love in my life and while the relationship ended rather dramatically, the love that was there was transformative in the best way possible. I will be eternally grateful for that experience.

And now it’s time for me to focus on me because…

I’m alive.

I mean, who saw that coming?! When I was younger, I truly believed I would never reach the age of 20, but I did. And now I’m 51. You might say that at 51 I’m on the fast track to the end, but I don’t see it that way. (Okay, maybe some days I do but not today.) Today? Today, I’m grateful to be alive – and that’s amazing. It’s amazing because there have been many times in my life when I didn’t feel that way, not even a little bit.

And it’s amazing because I have a lot to do!

I’m not done yet. I want to see my daughters grow older and I want to cheer them on when life goes well and offer them hugs when it doesn’t. I want to live to see my grandchildren, if I ever have any, which I may not and I’m entirely okay with that too. I just want to spend time with the people I love. I don’t want to miss a minute of what’s offered to me because in the end the only thing that matters is the love we give and, if we’re lucky, the love we get in return.