One rape is too many; the total should be zero.

I will begin by saying that I don’t have an issue with what was said. I’m referring to a recent council meeting where a police officer was giving a six-month action report to local politicians when the mayor questioned the rise in the percentage of rapes. My issue is more with what was left out of the answer and with the inadvertent implications that were left sitting there unaddressed.

His response: “I think what happened a lot was disputes in general within the home are up and I think, just that confined space and our domestic violence occurrences are up and often these sexual assaults, not always of course, but these disclosures come as a result of a relationship ending and full disclosure of any and all issues that happened over the year come up. Most of these sexual assault incidents, and I’m not saying they’re any less significant or any less important just to be clear, they’re typically someone known to the victim, so it’s not a case of where we have a serial sexual predator out on the loose or anything like that. There’s a lot more information out there; the shelters are putting out information, the OPP, we put out a lot of information, there’s media campaigns. I think people are just more comfortable, and rightfully so, coming forward and confronting their abuser, and having their day in court, and I think its not necessarily indicative of more of them. I think its more reporting, quite frankly.”

Honestly, I think the policeman, as a man, did a fairly good job of answering the question. With that said...

The point he was trying to make was that we don’t have a serial rapist in our midst, so we shouldn’t worry. To back this up, he explained that most of the reported rapes during that timeframe involved people who knew one another or lived together. To be clear, he wasn’t excusing the rapes that did happen, and I appreciate that, I do. But.

But I believe there were some important points that could have been made, that maybe should have been made, but weren’t. Leaving things said and unsaid the way that he did, he’s inadvertently left room for the listening audience to make some incorrect assumptions.

I’m a sexual assault survivor two times over. The first was someone I knew, loved, and trusted, while the second was a stranger I’d met on a dating site. The first was young and had a lot of issues, but probably wouldn't be categorized as a serial rapist by society's standards. The second has a lot of issues and, although not yet convicted, he's been proven to be a serial rapist. Both were traumatizing. Both have had long-lasting negative impacts on me, on my life, and indirectly on those I love.

So. My point of view, my perspective, differs from that of this policeman, and there were a few things that jumped out at me during this rather awkward council conversation.

For starters, "but these disclosures come as a result of a relationship ending." Wow. Really? What does he mean by this? Is he insinuating that the women are lying to get back at an ex? Maybe, maybe not. He really never says that, not exactly, not in so many words, but it does feel like its being implied. However, he then follows up with "and full disclosure of any and all issues that happened over the year come up." So what is he saying? Were the revelations accidental confessions during the women's "any and all issues that happened over the year" conversations with police?

Honestly, I don't know. I have no idea what he meant and that's an issue because there's a good chance that other people who were watching the meeting don't know either, which leaves room for assumptions.

There also appears to be an implication that rape percentages are up because of the COVID-19 pandemic lockdowns forcing people together or forcing people together for longer bouts of time.

Where to begin... Have the lockdowns contributed to an uptick in the number of rapes? Maybe, maybe not. I don't know the answer, but my guess is probably yes. Think about all the rapists, or would-be rapists, who live in a house full of potential victims. It makes sense that the number of rapes would go up. I see that. But why does this matter? I don't mean why do the rapes matter, obviously, because they do matter. What I mean is, why does the answer - rape numbers are up because lockdowns happened - why is this being used to downplay the increase in the number of rapes taking place in this community? Lockdown. No lockdown. Why does it make a difference? Women were raped. This should be a concern. Finding ways to keep this from happening should be a priority.

Does this answer, the one that pins the increase in number of rapes on COVID-19 lockdowns, is this answer somehow implying that living with your rapist makes it your fault and, therefore, less worthy of police or political attention? Does this mean the rape is any less traumatic for the victim? (In case you aren't sure, the answer to both of these questions is no.)

Many women – MANY – are forced to live in unsafe situations with men who are already rapists, or those who are inclined to become rapists, because the alternative is any number of dangerous options, including but not limited to living on the street. What is being done to help these women? What is being done to give them healthier and safer alternatives? Not enough.

Yes, there are some women’s shelters and that’s great, but it’s not enough. Not by a long shot. Not if we want to eliminate rape altogether.

From what I heard the policeman say, there appears to be an implication that being raped by someone you know rather than someone you don’t know should be seen by society as less of an issue because unless you’re living with someone who fits the stereotypical image of a rapist, then you have nothing to worry about.

This is ridiculous in so many ways.

For one, anyone can be a rapist. Heck, your dad, or your brother might be a rapist. Your aunt could be a rapist. (Yes, women can rape too.) My point is that unless they’ve already been accused or convicted of the crime, you can’t know who is or who isn’t a rapist. They don’t wear labels on their forehead saying “Hey, how are you doing? I’m a rapist, want to hang?”

To be clear, the rapist you know is just as terrible as the rapist you don’t know. Rapists who rape family members, friends, colleagues, or neighbours is just as terrible as the rapist who makes his way through community after community raping random women.

Also, while the women in this community - those who don't have to worry about being raped by men in their home - while they may be relieved by the idea that there isn't a serial rapist on the prowl, what about the other women, the ones who are living with rapists? Or the young girls who are living with rapists or soon-to-be rapists? What about them? Don't they matter? Isn't their safety important too?

Women who live with rapists are just as worthy of protection as those who've been lucky enough to find partners or family members who are not inclined to rape.

In fact, I think the rapists that live in our communities – the ones the world doesn’t classify as serial rapists – they are far more insidious. They have a greater capacity to wreak havoc and create trauma because they’re invisible – their community is not only oblivious to their predatory nature, but their community believes this person is an extra level of safe because they belong to the community. You know what I'm talking about - you must have heard this before: "Him? No, no way. I know him. He's on this committee or that community sports team. He's related to so and so. We went to school together. No, I don't believe it. I just can't see it. We were in Scouts together. I know his parents, he comes from good people. He goes to church."

You get the idea. I'm going to take this moment to point out that every rapist is someone's friend, brother, son, husband, father, coach, committee colleague, and so on. Like you, the people who know them probably thought they weren't capable of rape either. And yet, they did it.

And consider this, what if the guy next door rapes his sisters, his cousins, his girlfriends, and eventually his wife? That could add up to a rather high number. Is he not a serial rapist because he only targets the women he knows? No. He’s a rapist because he raped one person. And, in my opinion, there are two ways that a person can be considered a serial rapist – he can rape one person again and again and again OR he can rape two or more women one or more times.

It doesn’t matter who the women are – this doesn't determine whether a man is or is not a rapist. Forcing yourself on someone is rape. That’s it. Full stop. No ifs, ands, or buts.

If I were a politician or a law officer, I would hope that I would be just as concerned about the wife who is raped nightly by her husband as I would be about the local single lady who, on one occasion, became the target of an unknown, just passing through town, kind of rapist.

There are a host of reasons why women might stay in a relationship with someone they know is a rapist or a potential rapist. This does not mean they’ve somehow chosen to be raped. This is not a sign that it’s suddenly okay in this situation and authorities should look the other way. What it really means is that these women are in a far worse position. They are in a position to be traumatized and then retraumatized again and again and again. They are in a position where they clearly can’t see, or don't actually have, a safe exit strategy. What they really need are systems in place to support them and to help them find a safe exit when they’re ready and when they're able to take that step.

I want to say more here because this is something that’s pissed me off for ages.

Did you know that - even here in Canada - it was, at one time, legal to rape your wife?

Women were seen as property. (To be clear, we ARE NOT property. We don’t belong to anyone other than ourselves. Our bodies don't belong to anyone other than ourselves. No one else should ever have a say about our bodies other than ourselves. Our bodies, our choice. No discussion.)

Given that men were allowed to rape, beat, or use their wives in whatever way they wished with no threat of retribution until late in the last half of the twentieth century, is it any wonder that some men - those wishing to hold on to the traditions of their forefathers - is it any wonder that they still think they have the right to use women as they wish? Is it any wonder that their sons and their grandsons are learning to have the same attitudes and viewpoints toward their female counterparts? Is it any wonder why some women think they don't deserve to be safe?

Rape is bigger than the act itself. Rape begins with societal attitudes, trends, laws, and so on. It is silently supported and encouraged in our communities in so many different ways, some small and some large. Societal attitudes like "boys will be boys" has been used to excuse a lot of disrespectful behaviours, not to mention sexual harassment and rape.

In my opinion, I'd say that this policeman's statement is a prime example of how society impacts our attitudes and perspectives. While he did say a lot of things right, he also made some errors, in my opinion. While it is clear he wasn't trying to do this, he did downplay the seriousness of the situation. Why? In my opinion, it's because he's a man born and raised in a society that's, at best, just beginning to make room for the idea of equality between the sexes. (Again, I have more to say on this topic too, but not right now.)

This policeman’s answer implied that more women are reporting rapes now, but there are not, in fact, more women being raped. He implied that the numbers don't represent increased rapes but rather increased reporting. Ya, no. I think that's some faulty logic happening there.

Whether more women are reporting now or not – and to be clear, not all of us are reporting – how can the police know, with any degree of certainty, whether it follows that more women are not being raped today compared to last year or ten years ago? They have never had accurate numbers. Yes, more women are reporting, but this doesn't mean that the number of rapes hasn't increased. We can't know that. I would say that the increase in human trafficking alone means the number of rapes has almost definitely increased. (Again, not a topic for today. Just something to consider.)

So, while I appreciate the policeman’s attempt to acknowledge the fact that rape has always been an issue, even when most women weren’t reporting them, it’s not enough. He’s left a rather large door open. One that leads to a world where people might assume the number of sexual assaults has not increased. We don’t know that. We can’t know that, not for certain, not one way or the other. Not unless we could somehow go back in time and make EVERY woman report her rape. We would need real accurate numbers from before and after, which is impossible because - I'm going out on a limb here - most women don't report being raped. And, remember, some who have done so have been ignored, leaving the assault unrecorded. There are no reliable statistics.

It is impossible to know the statistical truth about how deep an issue this is and whether it is on the rise or holding steady. (I think we can probably agree that the number of rapes is not decreasing.)

Let's go with that, with the idea that the number of rape events is holding steady. Is that acceptable? Should we be grateful that the numbers are holding steady? Should we be high fiving our police for making sure the numbers aren’t rising? (To be clear, I believe the numbers are, in fact, rising, but for argument's sake, let's say the numbers are holding steady, is this something to celebrate?) Again, the right answer here is no.

One rape is too many. Full stop.

Another issue I have with this statement - the one that says more women are reporting - is that it's not based on anything. Yes, we saw a lot of women coming forward with the "Me Too" movement, women who were raped years ago, but this doesn't mean women being raped today are feeling safer to report the rape today. Women may or may not be coming forward in greater numbers per capita than ever before. It's impossible to know. Women may or may not feel safer coming forward now versus women twenty years ago. Again, it's impossible to know without true data.

In my opinion, and from what I see, it’s not safer. Not for everyone. You only need to look at the news and what happens when a man is accused of rape – what happens to him versus what happens to his victim. Depending on the situation, depending on where you live, depending on a lot of things, it is NOT necessarily safer for rape victims to come forward now than it was ten or even twenty years ago.

I think the policeman’s statement also implied that there is enough sexual assault information out there in the public realm, coming from various sources, to address any existing rape issues in the community. Is it information that helps victims post trauma? Is it information that deters or prevents rape? I don't know. Does it matter?

As long as women are still being raped, and as long as girls are being raised in a world where they need to be cautious when going out alone at night, there is not enough information out there and there is not enough being done. More information is needed. The root of the problem is boys being raised into men who believe they have a right to take what they want and that women don't have the right to stop them.

Change is needed at a societal level. Women’s lives and well-being must be made equal to that of men. Until this becomes a reality, there is not enough information out there. There may be more than what existed in past years, but this does not mean it's enough. No way, no how. Boys and men need to be informed about how NOT to become rapists, not to mention how to have and show respect for their female counterparts. Boys and girls need to be raised knowing they are equal, and they both deserve to be safe, free, and able to be who they are (provided they aren't harming anyone else).

I have one final point for today.

It was implied that the increased percentage of rapes was not an issue because the number was still small. According to the report, in 2020, from January to June, the number of reported rapes was two. In 2021, for the same time frame, there were seven rapes reported. According to the policeman's report, this change represents at 250 per cent increase.

Is that not a lot? Because it seems like a lot to me.

Is it the number seven that the policeman sees as too small to be an issue? If so, I have something to say, once again, about that and it's this: One rape is too many. Zero. Zero should be the goal.

Yes, one rape is too many, and I would suggest that seven represents a larger issue within the community. Maybe there isn't one man going around raping women at random, but there are MULTIPLE men thinking they have the right to rape the woman in their home. That IS an issue. And what about the rapes that aren't being reported? How many women are really being raped in this municipality? Scarier still, how many rapists live in this municipality?

Getting back to it - what is the magic number? How many women have to be raped before it's considered an issue?

One. The number is one. One is too many because the total number of rapes should always be zero.