Calibrating in Chrysalis

I’m realizing that I’m on the brink of a change like none I’ve experienced before now, a change that will feel like being pulled out of one reality and placed in another. A good thing, not a bad thing, yet still scary in the extreme unknowing of what the new reality will be. How will it be different? How will I be different? What will the experience of this new reality be like? How do I say goodbye to the reality I’ve been living in for decades? How do I let go? How do I move forward without looking behind?

These are just some of the questions I’m pondering during my time in the in-between because I know that’s where I am right now, I’m one foot in the old world and one foot inching into the new world, but the center of me, the gravity of me, that’s firmly in the in-between. The in-between requires patience, faith, hope, determination, and the will to be changed wholly from the inside out. It’s not a place of nothingness, like some might believe.

Yes, there’s waiting, but there’s a whole heck of a lot happening beneath the surface during the waiting. While it may be a well-exhausted metaphor, it still fits that the in-between is very similar to what I imagine happens during the chrysalis stage, where the caterpillar is letting go of what was to become what’s meant to be, the butterfly.

The thing I find most funny about this is that I could’ve sworn I’d passed through the chrysalis stage many times before now, but clearly, I hadn’t. So, what was I doing? How do I explain the many changes taking place throughout the five decades I’ve already lived on this planet as this current incarnation, as Sandy.

(For those wondering, no I am not high now, nor am I drunk. I’m just me, the one in tune with life, the one paying attention, the one who no longer wants to pretend so that she can fit into this world, fit into this life as it exists now. That’s not for me. Not anymore.)

Getting back to it. What have I been doing all this time? I know I’ve been growing, changing, evolving, but what’s taken me so long to go from caterpillar to chrysalis? And what about all those times I thought I’d already bloomed into the freedom and beauty that is butterfly? What was really happening? Do I need to know? Does it matter?

There’s part of me that believes it doesn’t matter, but another that still believes it does. I mean, how else will people be able to identify what stage they’re in? What if someone is reading this, knowing they’re growing and changing, but aren’t quite sure what stage of evolution they’re really in?

What I’m doing here is writing about my experience because it’s what I need to do to move forward. It’s what I need to do to be true to myself and my nature, to the truth of who I am and what I’m experiencing. My hope is that it might help someone else in some way. I initially thought that the best I could hope for would be that my honesty might inspire or encourage someone else to embrace the truth of who they are, as well, giving them the spark they need to share their light with the world.

Now, I’m beginning to think that my writing, if I’m honest enough, could also act as a guideline – not a how-to because we are all different, which means our journeys are also different – but a guideline in the sense that the process and the destination, even though the steps, the paths, or the guideposts along the way may be different. There’s more than one map, and there’s more than one way to get to the same destination – a fully evolved version of the truth of who and what we are in this space, in this time.

It sounds hokey-pokey, I know, but it’s flowing from my soul right now and I need to let it out. I can’t say how I know, but I do know that what I’m saying, what I’m sharing is the truth. I don’t even understand it completely myself yet, and I still know in my core that it’s the truth. I’m changing. I’m letting go of the lie of who I and the world told me to be and I’m returning to the true me AND, BUT, YET… that true me is going to be changed from the true me who started this journey. The experience of being Sandy in this lifetime will have changed True Me.

Of course it will. Why else would we agree to incarnate on Earth if we weren’t going to be changed by it, if we weren’t going to gain something in return for immersing ourselves in the experience, immerse ourselves in the stories to the point of feeling fully the pain, the joy, the confusion, the hostility of living as humans in an imperfect world on an unstable planet? We wouldn’t be here if we didn’t believe we had something to gain by it. I truly believe that. We’re here for a reason. Our journey is a planned one. We did this on purpose.

So, what have I learned in this life, the one I’ve been living as Sandy? What have I learned so far? That’s a good question, one that I can try to answer, but one that I’m certain I don’t have the complete answer for yet, at this time or at this point in my journey. I’m not at the end yet. In fact, I’ve got a way to go. Originally, I was unhappy with this fact, but increasingly, I’m accepting it, falling into the peace of knowing it’s right, it’s necessary, and it’s what I’d planned from the beginning, before I entered the life of Sandy.

Yes, I’m in the in-between, and while I’m here, I’m taking stock, looking back at the lessons I’ve learned, at the experiences I’ve had, their impact on me, and the ways I’ve changed because of those experiences. I’m also finding the spots where I didn’t quite complete a lesson in full, yet. For those, I’m allowing myself to return, to feel, to fully embrace the experience, but this time I’m bringing love, patience, and understanding with me, for me and for those living the lesson with me regardless of their role in it.

I’m listening for the heart of the lesson. I’m listening for the clarity that comes with knowing this is what I needed to see, this is what I needed to feel, this is what I needed to do, and then I follow through. I complete what’s been left undone, and I pass on to the next unfinished lesson, making my way forward to when I’m fully ready to walk into the new reality, the one where I’ll be me, but different, not better, as that’s simply a concept, not a truth. I’ll be more me, more of me? I’ll be more. I’ll be different. I’ll still be me, just brighter somehow, clearer, more defined, more.

That’s what I’m working on. That’s where I am right now. I’m hoping to find more like me, more who are in the in-between, and maybe even those on the other side who can give us pointers or encouragement while we’re waiting for the doors to open to us. I’m also hoping to find those not yet in the in-between, but working their way there, knowing this is the path to true enlightenment, the path to truth.

Thank you for reading. Today’s submission is different than those I’ve posted before, but it’s still me, just me not completely immersed in the drowning portion of life’s lessons. This doesn’t mean you won’t find me there again. You will. We are not static. We aren’t immovable, unchangeable objects.  In fact, we are always changing, flowing, moving, both forward and backward, but always moving, never staying at one point for more than a moment. We are fluid.

Oh, and we’re not objects. We are more than something, we are more than anything or everything. We are undefinable. We are limitless. We are.

If you’d like to contact me, please feel free to send me an email: ccwithsandy@gmail.com. Please note that this was a stream-of-consciousness blog, so I haven’t edited it. This is my first and only draft.