Just breathe and ‘let it be’

I haven’t posted in well over a week now. It’s not because I haven’t wanted to write or that I didn’t need to write. I have and I did, absolutely. I love writing, especially when the words are flowing. But sometimes things don’t work out the way I’d like and sometimes I just miscalculate… like, a lot.

This past week may have been one great big miscalculation or possibly a whole lot of little ones that when combined erupted into a massive WTF?!

The past eight days or so have been topsy-turvy to say the least and I just haven’t been able to sit and write. Well, that’s not entirely true. I did write six articles for work early last week and then another ten articles for work at the end of the week. (That’s a lot of articles in one week, by the way.) I don’t normally write that many that close together, but clearly, in retrospect, it seems I was the opposite of organized. Probably more like massively, but subconsciously, DIsOrgANIzeD.

I’ve also been a bit up and down with my mental health, but I’m not sure which came first, the mental health issues or the disorganization. At this point, I’m leaning toward the latter with just a sprinkling of the former, which of course probably led to an increase in the former to the point of explosion and chaos that completely disrupted the latter. And if you’re not confused yet, just keep reading.

Wow, did I just make that way more complicated than it really is? Probably, but now you see how my mind works – always on the brink of falling into chaos, especially when I’m not obsessively vigilant with the self-awareness and introspection. Daily check-ins are clearly a definite must.

The crazy thing is – and, yes, it can always get crazier – the crazy thing is that I thought I had everything under control. I thought I was doing fine. Sailing through, a bit behind, but no big deal because I’ll catch up. I always catch up. It’s what I do. Yes, my anxiety level started rising a wee bit over the weekend, but I still felt semi-in-control. I still felt like, I can do this! And I did. I came through on all my outside commitments, like work, meetings, and family stuff. But once again I left me out. I pushed me and my needs to the last spot on my to-do list because that’s what I’ve always done. It’s a pattern, putting me last. A pattern I thought I had effectively halted with the increased amount of work I’ve been doing on myself since a life-changing car accident in November 2019.

(Basically, I was shoved into a situation where I was forced to re-examine my life and how I was living it. I had to learn the valuable life skill of pacing. I was forced to stop and listen to what my body was telling me. Did it need rest? Did it need food? Water? Quiet time? Exercise? A hug?)

I’ve gotten a lot better at stopping when I start to feel overwhelmed so that I can recalibrate and bring myself back into balance. But last week, I thought I was doing everything right. I took naps. I tried to meditate here and there. But then yesterday, I had a bit of a freak out where I was in a negative head space all day long without knowing it and, of course, the space got so full of negative energy that it finally burst, and I lost patience with someone I love. Clearly, I was out of balance. It’s great that I can see that and acknowledge it now, but why didn’t I see it before the outburst?

How did I not know? Why did I think I had everything under control? Seriously, I was high fiving myself for getting through a very tight and busy week without any major scrapes when this explosion jumped up and bit me in the ass.

I was tired yesterday and I didn’t do the things I had planned, but I thought that was just me “taking care of myself” in my new and improved way. It wasn’t. Clearly, it wasn’t. Once again, I think I was avoiding life. I was avoiding doing the things I know I need to do to keep my mental health in the safe and steady zone, like listening to podcasts, writing, reading, meditating, chatting with friends, and spending time in nature. I was staying up late – like really super late – and I was getting up late. I was avoiding my morning and night routines because I thought I was saving time, but what I was really doing was knocking myself out of equilibrium one deleted healthy habit at a time.

(This reminds me of all the times I’ve tried to stop the meds because I think I’m fine only to realize it was because of the meds that I was fine. Clearly, practicing healthy mental health habits is a must that cannot be ignored or put aside for more than a day or two. I really must remember this: healthy habits are a critical component for a well-lived life.)

If it’s not been made perfectly clear yet, I have issues. Lots. I’m okay with them and I am getting better at recognizing unhealthy patterns and, eventually, eliminating them, but there’s always back and forth. With every couple of steps forward, there’s always a step or two backward here or there and I know that’s okay, especially since most steps are in a forward direction, but sometimes I just feel like it might be nice to sprint ahead. A lot. Maybe I could do a few cartwheels and a couple of forward flips over the next, let’s say, ten of life’s hurdles? Please and thank you?

No?

I didn’t think so. I know, that’s not how life works.

I hear people talk about life like it’s a race and, if it is a race, I’m not sure I’ve made it to the starting line yet. I’m still making my way through all the prerequisites – all the lessons I need to master before I’m allowed to start the real game, the one everyone else seems to be winning. (Or are they?) Maybe my race was simply supposed to start somewhere several towns back from the actual starting gate. I guess that could make sense, especially if my theory holds up. You see, I believe life’s race, if it is a race, is with ourselves, with who we used to be, not with each other.

I am where I am because it’s where I’m supposed to be. Just breathe and let it be, Sandy. Breathe and let it be. (Cue the Beatles tune here. It plays in my head a lot. A lot. It's actually kind of comforting in a haunting sort of way.)

Woops, sorry! I may have gotten sidetracked again, but I'm getting back on track with my original point now.

I started writing this blog on Wednesday. It’s now Friday, so I’m at the almost two-week mark for not having posted a blog. I feel like that’s bad, but then I remind myself that labels like bad or good are subjective and created by society, which is just all kinds of messed up, possibly worse than me. (Ya, scary, I know.) My point is that posting regularly, or not, isn’t good or bad, it just is what it is.

Oh wow, don’t even get me started on that – it is what it is – there was a time when just hearing these words would send me into hysterics. But now, I get it. I don’t like it, but I get it. It is what it is.

Reality exists as it is despite my feelings about it. Fact.

Once I learned to accept this truth, life got quite a bit easier, and my life lessons started getting learned and checked off my soul’s to-do list much faster. (I’m pretty sure that the list is actually infinite, so it’s not really something to get super excited about, but it’s still good, so once again, Yay Me!)

Back to my original thought – it’s been a long time since I posted my last blog. Life got away from me for a wee bit and it’s taken me a few days more than I’d like to get back on track. (At least, I think I’m on track. Hell, how do I know?! I could be on a ferry headed out to sea, it’s hard to say. Either way, I know I will be alright, and whether it’s a zig-zag mess or a straight line, I will find my way toward my North Star – that point where I become my best self, the one I was sent here to be. Either way, I know can swim.)

I don’t remember most of last week, but I do remember that it felt overscheduled with meetings and such. Sometimes, I think I can do EVERYTHING I want to do, whether the list-versus-time ratio is practical or not, but then reality gives me a bit of a slap down, reminding me that there’s a rhythm I must follow and its decidedly a much slower pace than I would like. Super slow. Sometimes I feel like a snail, but I guess I should be grateful that, even though I may be moving at a snail’s pace, I am moving. And I’m moving forward. (I think.)

So what's the takeaway here? Well, unless I've missed something (and let's be honest, I've probably missed quite a lot), I think there are two major lessons. The first is learning to respect the pacing that the Universe has decidedly set for me AND the second is to consistently follow and practice the healthy mental health habits that have proven to be effective for me.