Out from behind the clouds, standing naked in the sunshine

Yesterday was a bad day. Again.

I don’t want this to be about my recent break-up, but I want to be clear about where I’m coming from emotionally and mentally. I was doing well yesterday. Well, I thought I was doing well. I finished my work in an easy and timely manner. I was checking things off my "to do" list. I was moving forward. I was thinking “Yes, it’s all going to be alright! I’m super fine. Bouncing right back. Bounce. Bounce. Bounce. Moving straight ahead, steady as she goes.”

Then my mom and my sister and I were talking, and this was the first time we had spent any time talking about the break-up, so my mom was all like, “Well, you didn’t give him a chance to explain himself. Maybe you’re wrong.” (Or something to that effect.)

Well, you plant a seed in my head and before you know it, it’s blooming! BLOOMING!

I decided to check it out. I’m not going into details, but it turns out I was right and breaking up with my boyfriend was the right thing to do. In fact, in retrospect, I should never have gone out with him in the first place. But, if I hadn’t gone out with him, I wouldn’t have learned all the wonderful lessons I’m learning now. (Yay me!) And yet…

It went straight to the core of everything.

You see, I had started this website blog and sent it to a few trusted family and friends the evening before and although I had been getting positive feedback, I was still feeling quite self-conscious and worried about showing my emotionally naked self to others. I think my fear was having my core self (the part many of us keep hidden for fear of rejection) really seen by someone with whom I wasn’t in a committed romantic relationship. No mask. No socially promoted “faking it till you make” sort of nonsense. Just me. Raw. Uncensored. Vibrating waves of pain in an ocean of despair. (No, I’m not normally this dramatic. At least, I don't think I am.)

The thing is it wasn’t just about the subject of my first blog. It wasn’t that I had confessed or shared my innermost feelings of lack with anyone (and everyone) who might happen to see it or read it. It was more about me having the audacity to think I had the right to do it in the first place. And not just the right to do it, but the presumptuousness to think that my writing skills, thoughts, and feelings might be good enough to warrant this very publicly visible action – even if I am the only one who reads it. How dare I? My writing skills aren’t perfect. My grammar isn’t perfect. Having recently suffered a severe concussion I often mix up my words or spell things in creative, but distinctly incorrect, ways. I’m not an expert at writing. I’m not an expert at relationships. I’m not an expert at anything in particular, actually. I have opinions, but so does everyone else. What makes me think mine are worth sharing?

You can see the negative thought spiral I’ve been on. (It's never a good idea to let those take over.)

Basically, it comes back to the long-term belief that I don’t deserve to take up space. I don’t deserve to be seen, accepted, or loved. (Wow, this self-love thing is enormously elusive.) The thing is – I’m not the only one. I’m not the only woman who feels like she doesn’t have the right to come out of the shadows, let alone step into a spotlight. I’m not the only one with feelings of low self-worth. I’m not the only one who attracts romantic partners with narcissistic tendencies and the ability to gaslight like nobody’s business. I’m not the only one. There’s a whole hell of a lot of us out here in this big, wild, crazy, and oftentimes confusing world trying to live without anyone noticing, trying to connect without upsetting or inconveniencing anyone, trying to love by giving all of ourselves away and accepting the bare minimum (and sometimes less than that) in return. I know I’m not the only one.

But. Yes, there’s a but. Of course, there’s a but.

That’s not who I want to be and it’s definitely not who I was sent here to be. I believe that we are all one energy. We’re all connected and – I don’t care what or who you are or what you’ve done in your life, good or bad – we are all worthy of love, respect, and however much space we need to express ourselves fully and authentically. (Provided we aren’t consciously trying to hurt anyone or anything else.)

I almost didn’t publish my blog because I was afraid of internet trolls. I was afraid of family and friends seeing the extreme vulnerability at the core of who I am. I was afraid of a lot of things. I’m still afraid.

But. But, but, but, but, but.

I’m no longer letting fear stop me from moving forward, from trying new things, from taking risks – risks like letting people see the real me. As much as I want to hide my heart away and keep it safe in a box, I will eventually, once again but not today, risk falling in love with someone who may potentially disappoint or hurt me. I will take more risks. Some will see me fall flat on my face and some won’t. I’m consciously choosing to live for the moments when I stay standing, firmly rooted in my authenticity, and maybe, someday, potentially soaring in the sunlight.

Anything is possible.