Practicing 'Sitting with It'

I'm thinking about break-ups today. My boyfriend and I broke up yesterday. He had begun to treat me like an option and I know (finally and for certain) that I deserve better.

This is my first blog, not by design, but more by happenstance. I wanted to start this blog today and although I'm heart broken, I don't want that to stop me from taking a step forward. I think that means I might be starting the mending process already. Or not. It's hard to say. Either way, I've decided to start here - exactly where I am - sitting with my feelings.

I don't like it. It's hard to do, and it sucks.

It sucks having to just sit and feel the pain. It's not what I usually do. I normally eat my feelings or find other ways to either distract myself or to bury the unwanted emotions. (Does starting a blog count as a bad distraction?)

Back to yesterday.

Devastation, complete and utter devastation. That's what I was feeling. I also felt it the night before because I knew it was coming. (A giant red flag had been raised, one that I couldn't ignore, but that's another story.) Today, I'm still sitting with a painful pit in my stomach, but not the utter devastation from yesterday. I sat with my feelings yesterday, last night, and all day today. I didn't ignore them or avoid looking at them. In fact, last night I decided to take a closer look, deep diving into the abyss.

My goal was to identify any underlying feelings, like shame and so on. It occurred to me that my reaction was quite extreme and intense considering it was a short-term (nine months) relationship. Looking closer, I realized I was feeling a lot of the same things I'd felt after my split from my husband when I was 37, and we had been together since we were 19 years old. (I'm 51 as I write this, by the way.) So why did this new short-term relationship break-up hurt as bad as my one and only long-term relationship?

I'm not a therapist so I can't answer that with any certainty, but the following is what I believe to be true today. Moving backward and focusing on my feelings from the first break-up, I remembered what our marriage counselor, my therapist, and our family doctor had said: my pain reaction was too extreme to be caused by my breakup. They said from the intensity, which they each insisted did not match the circumstance, it had to be a traumatic event from childhood. At the time, I didn't agree. I do now, as it appears they may have been right.

I have a deep-seated fear of abandonment, but it's not just about the abandonment. I'm afraid of being left behind - the only one left behind. Last night, I was finally able to make the connection between this and a childhood memory of waking up alone and not being able to find anyone. I remember the terror and I remember the thoughts I was having, the ones that turned into assumptions about my worth and belonging. I believe now that this is the subconscious gobbledygook that has been poisoning my thoughts, decisions, and actions ever since. At my core, I don't feel worthy of anyone's time, love, or attention. (Clearly, this is something I will explore further with an actual professional.)

It sounds like this should make me feel worse about myself, but it doesn't. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I feel like a veil has been lifted. Now that I know where this feeling comes from I can continue to shine a light on it and separate what's old from what's new. I can consciously sit with and feel the pain. And then, hopefully, I can release it. Forever. Forever would be nice.

(And no, I don't believe this answers everything. Nothing is ever that simple and I have no doubt I will be working on myself for years to come. I have a plethora of issues to sift and sort through. Again, that's another story - or stories - for another day.)

As for yesterday's break-up, I've decided to concentrate on the lessons learned and the positives of not having this particular person in my life going forward.