Becoming my own anchor

It’s been 15 years almost to the day since my ex-husband and I first separated, and it’s taken me that long to realize why the split impacted me as massively as it did. It’s also taken me all this time to finally – I hope – really and truly let go and move on. Of course, I did try, many, many times throughout the years to do just that, but it never seemed to “take” for very long. I even thought I might have fallen in love with someone else, once, but I didn’t. When time and space were given, I realized that guy just reminded me of my ex, and that’s what made me think I loved him.

So, you’re probably wondering how amazing my ex was/is considering my inability to let go coupled with my tendency to look for men who reminded me of him. Well, that’s just it. It was never about him or whether he was amazing or not. (Like all of us, he had his moments, but he wasn’t Superman or anything.) But he was my anchor. He kept me grounded. He kept me semi-sane because he helped to keep the nightmares at bay, and he helped me believe that the world might not be as bad or as scary as I’d always believed it to be… until he became part of the nightmare.

This isn’t a space for me to list all the things he did wrong or all the things I did wrong; we both made mistakes, and we both own the responsibility for the demise of our relationship. He wasn’t evil or bad. He also wasn’t perfect. But he was my safe harbour, my home. I didn’t really have one before him and while I’ve found something similar through a long-term friendship, I’ve never really had one since. I’m learning that I need to be my own safe harbour, my own home, my own anchor, which is something I should have learned a very long time ago, long before I met my ex-husband. But I didn’t.

So, how do I become my own anchor? I’m not entirely sure just yet. I’m learning. Heck, I only just figured out its what I need, so I haven’t even begun to investigate the ways to make it happen. But I will. I will find a way to be my own anchor. I will make it happen. And if I’m ever ready for another long-term romantic relationship, I’ll feel confident and secure knowing that I’m my own anchor, and I won’t be putting my everything – my life, my heart, my soul, my safety, etc. – in someone else’s hands. It’s not fair to them, and it’s not fair to me.

So, here’s to me becoming my own anchor, grounding myself in a solid foundation of my own making, one that can withstand anything or anyone. Here's to learning to be healthy and whole, on my own.