Is this who I want to be?

Who do you spend time with?

Is this in my control?

What does your ideal day look like?

What is the most important thing?

Is this who I want to be?

These questions were part of a meme I saw today on Facebook. The last one is a question I’ve asked myself since childhood. I’ll ask it, adjust, and then forget until something triggers me to remember and ask the question again. Today is that day.

Am I who I want to be?

Yes and no. At first it seems like a simple question but when you think about it long enough you begin to realize that it’s not as simple as you think. But should it be? Is there a way to simplify the question?

Let’s begin with asking: Who do I want to be?

In a complex and probably overthought world, I’d want to be, and this is in no particular order, all of the following:

· Kind, loving, thoughtful, and giving

· Hard-working, dedicated, intelligent, and capable

· Healthy in every possible way

· Alive and living life without fear

· Someone who is surrounded by people I love and who love me in return

· A person with integrity

· A good mother, partner, friend, sister, daughter, neighbour, human

· Open-minded, reasonable, and just

· Literate, well-spoken, and a good communicator

· Someone who lives in peace with nature and all its inhabitants

· More, always more

Am I these things? Some “yes” and some “no” and some “a bit, but still in progress” would be the most accurate answer. Normally, I would make a detailed list of what I need to do to make every answer a “yes” but I’m beginning to wonder if there’s a way to simplify everything. And so, how can I simplify this? Who do I want to be?

I think I want to be someone who lives life from the core value of love. I want to be someone who sees the world, the people in it, the everydayness of what’s happening, pretty much everything… from a place of love. I want that to be tethered by a foundation of devotion to learning (open-mindedness) and an openness to experiencing what it means to live life on Earth in this human form.

I’m looking at this simplified answer and wondering if it’s simple. Let’s see. According to this simplified definition, am I who I want to be?

Yes, but with minor discrepancies in the love department. You see, it’s hard to show love in the face of hate. It’s hard to think, feel, and be love when faced with and/or surrounded by hate. But maybe, just maybe, that’s part of love. Maybe being opened to learning how to “be love” in the face of hate is love. Maybe being open to accepting myself when I don't react in love is part of what it means to "be love" in this world in which we live. Maybe we can't "live love" without first loving ourselves for who we are in the moment, for who we were yesterday, and for who we'll be tomorrow.

Is this right? Am I way off base? I don't know but I don't think I care either because it's what I believe today. So, let’s evaluate Sandy.

I’m fucked up and I’m okay with that and not just because most people are fucked up but because I’m okay with who I am right now. I’m okay with it because I know I’m being authentically me, the me of February 20, 2022. And I know that tomorrow, I will authentically be the me of February 21, 2022. I understand and I embrace that I am constantly evolving, constantly growing either forward or backward according to my thoughts, words, actions, environment, and experiences.

I’m not all light and I’m not all darkness. I spent most of my life striving to be “good” or, in this case, "light." What is good? (What is light?) The answer, I think, is different depending on who you ask. My definition of “good” is changing. You see, I’m learning to embrace my darkness, the parts of me that society – my upbringing – raised me to believe were bad and shameful. I’m learning that putting myself last isn’t what makes me a good person.

Am I broken? You’d be surprised at how many times I’ve asked myself this question or referred to myself in this way. I said this once to my ex-husband after we were divorced for several years and just before I started working again full time, and he said I wasn’t broken, and I should never think of myself that way. He then went on to tell me who I was based on his experiences of me and I’m ashamed to say that he saw better in me than I did. His words were like a life preserver at the time, and they helped me walk into a full-time job in journalism where I proved to myself time and again that I was everything he said I was and much more… so, why didn’t I know that? Why did I think I was broken? Why did I think I wasn’t good enough?

I think the answers to those questions are more complex and more time consuming than I want to allow time for right now. But I will say this: We live in a world where we’re surrounded and bombarded with ideals of perfection, wholeness, and rightness without any room for gray areas. It’s hard to fight against, especially when the programming starts from birth because you never really have a chance to know what life should be without this conditioning.

So, here's what I believe today: I’m not broken. None of us are broken. We may be banged up a bit, but I’m pretty sure we’re supposed to be. The whole point of being here is to learn, to experience, and to grow. All these things come with endless opportunities to slip, fall, and get banged up a bit. That’s not broken, that’s experienced.

I’m a whole person with lots of scars, bruises, and possibly some pieces missing and yes you can be a whole person with some pieces missing… it’s like being a sculpture that’s had a little sanding here and there to uncover what’s underneath. Maybe. Today, this is what I believe.

To be honest, I just woke up from an 18-hour sleep where I didn’t even get up to use the washroom. Before that, I was awake for about 29 hours… just because. So, who am I?

Am I who I want to be?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Of course, that answer leads me to more questions, just like all good answers should. So, now, am I doing what I want to do? Am I living where I want to live? Am I spending time with the people I want to spend time with? Am I making the most of my time on Earth?

No, I’m not, but that’s a story for another day, I think.

Instead, I'll leave you with this: Are you who you want to be? (If not, what are you going to do about it?)