Time to move on...

I resigned from my job today. I’ve been wanting to do this for more than a year now but have continually put it off because I was afraid of not being able to pay my bills. Finally, I decided that I’d rather starve or live on the street than continue working for someone who shows little to no respect for their employees.

Honestly, the strain on my mental health has been immense, and I’ve noticed myself becoming increasingly passive-aggressive where my job and my employer are concerned and that’s just not who I want to be. I know that I can’t change anyone other than myself, and after two years of trying to find a way to fit myself into the constantly changing mold at my workplace, I decided enough was enough. The culture there won’t change, so I either continue to suck it up or I leave. I've chosen the latter.

To say that I’m freaking out right now would be an understatement. I don’t have a job. (I’m currently being considered for a job, which I don’t want to jinx by going into it here, but I don’t have a firm offer in place.)

So, yes, I’m grappling with the fear monster now.

Fear. When I think about it, throughout my life, it’s fear that has either prevented me from leaving a bad situation or it’s fear that has stopped me from saying “yes” to something potentially good. When left unexamined and unchecked, fear obliterates life.

In 2008, roughly six months after my separation from my ex-husband, I went on an Outward-Bound Women of Courage trip. That experience showed me the importance of fighting fear, especially the kind of fear that’s based on nothing but my wild imagination. For eight days and seven nights, I forced myself to do things that scared me. I cried, a lot. I was in a constant state of anxiety, continually forcing myself to breathe and to stay calm, so that I wouldn’t have a panic attack. But I made it through.

I made it through... and I developed some coping skills, along with a little perspective. I did all the things I was expected to do, even the super scary ones like staying alone on a deserted island for 24 hours by myself with nothing but string, a piece of plastic, a small baggie with dried fruit and nuts, and tablets to purify the lake water I’d need to drink to stay hydrated. I prayed a lot, especially when the dark set in. I learned the value of mantras, for sure, but the most important thing I learned was that I could take care of myself, I could survive by being clear-headed and resourceful.

I’m a survivor. I’ve survived a lot in my 52 years of life. I’ve faced child abuse, sexual assault, bullying, poverty, a brain injury, and other failures, like the end of my marriage, and more. Most of those things were much scarier than not having a job. So, if I’m putting things into perspective, I have to say that the fear I’m feeling right now is not the worst I’ve faced and, in fact, it’s also not at all in line with reality. There are plenty of jobs available right now and while many of them are ridiculously inadequate in terms of employee compensation, they’re still available, and more importantly, attainable.

So, yes, I quit my job today. Technically, I’m not done for two weeks, but I am done, and I’m relieved. Whatever tomorrow brings, I know that in a year from now, I won't be working for this person, and that's good enough for me, for now.